A Lot to Swallow

Where do I start? A lot has happened since my last blog, my life has changed so much. I have been meaning to write but never could actually do it. I had at least a dozen ways to start off this blog in my head but I couldn't actually sit down to type it. Why? Because it hurt too damn bad. On August 3rd my family lost the strongest, lovable, big hearted man. My grandfather ( I refer to him as Papa). It seriously felt like my life/heart was thrown into pieces and I didn't even know where to start picking up the pieces to put them back together. My Papa was such a big part of my life. I was the first born grandchild, so we had a special relationship. My family and I thought he won his battle with cancer. We were all taken by surprise when a trip to the hospital for pneumonia turned into the beginning of the end with him. I cried for days. I couldn't believe I was loosing one of the strongest man in my life. I enjoyed and cherished every moment with him because I knew they were numbered. I was fortunate enough to have a very understanding boss that worked with me and my schedule. Thanks to her I got to spend some extra quality time with him in his last few weeks. He told me how much he loved me and how he was glad I inherited his stubbornness. My Papa was a man that was as strong as a bull but as stubborn as a mule. I too told him how much I loved him and promised that my future children would know who he was and I would keep him memory alive. He was always supportive of me wanting to start a family and extremely supportive of our fertility treatments. My Papa looked forward to seeing his great grandchildren. Every time I saw him he would always ask if he was a great grandfather yet. When our Pastor came to pray with him he asked my Papa what was the one thing he was upset with most. My Papa replied, " That my granddaughter will have my first great grandbabies and I won't be here to see it." This killed me. I tried so hard to give him great grandchildren. I looked forward to seeing him with my children. Spoiling them like he did me. How I longed to see his big blue eyes light up when he held he great grandbaby for the first time. These dreams were robbed from me. Why would God take away such a wonderful man so soon. To be honest I am angry with God. I am angry that he called my Papa home so early and I am angry with him because of my infertility. I plan to talk with my Pastor on how to calm these emotions. I just miss my Papa so much. My family will never be the same.