GOODbye 2010, Hello 2011

I know this is late, but I still wanted to post it. :)

In 2010....

We lost my dear Great-Grandmother.

We had six failed IUI's.

I had another failed surgery.

My family lost our "rock", my papa.

My best friend, "T" lost her father.

My family started to fall apart.

And... We had a heartbreaking failed IVF.


As you can see, 2010 was not a good year. My strength, faith, and marriage have been tested. I have high hopes for 2011, very HIGH hopes.


In 2011....

I hope to become pregnant.

I hope for a healthy baby.

I hope to return to church.

I hope my family will end their feud. That's what my Papa would have wanted.

I hope to buy a house.

I hope to become closer to my husband’s family.

I just pray 2011 is full of peace, love, happiness, and a baby.

A Song That Says It ALL

While I was in the process of reading a blog I follow this song came on. My first instinct was to press mute, but the first line made me stop and listen. After listening for about 45 seconds, I was in tears. This song sums up my reality, the life I've lived for the past three years. I can't believe I've finally come across a song that can explain what I'm feeling. This song is just so emotional and powerful. Maybe now people will get a better feeling of my pain and emptiness by listening to these lyrics.

This verse really hits home with me...

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

This verse too...

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

And this one...

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

I can't even write the thoughts or emotions that I feel when I heard this song. This song just said everything that I've said in just a short three minutes. It's just so powerful and the video even goes into better detail. It just explains the heart ache.

Here is the lyrics for the whole song.

Wordless Wednesday

Not much to report today. Injections are going smoothly and I'm surprisingly feeling well :). I will update when I have news. Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.

Here We Go Again

Last Wednesday (12-15), we had our follow up with Dr. Miracle. He believes IVF 1.0 was unsuccessful because of low fertilization and embryo development. On day three transfer, our embryos should have been 8-cells and they were only 6-celled. This time were shooting for less eggs, better quality.

We changed up some of my medication. I'm on a new medication this time called Lupron. It's used to stimulate my ovaries, but also helps to prevent OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). I was diagnosed with this during IVF 1.0. It was not fun, but I took it like a champ because I was that much closer to getting my baby. As of right now, all the other medication is still the same.

My first shot will be on Christmas day. I can honestly say I'm looking forward to it. I just pray this time we get our miracle.

Here is a picture of all my medication. I labeled everything so you could know what it is.

Emotional Day

I'm Having a Emotional Day!

Tough Week

Infertility is one of the hardest things to deal with. The hurt you feel when you find out your broken and not able to give your spouse children is extremely overbearing. As an infertile woman the main thing I need is support. I need people to lift my spirits when I'm down and empathize with me when I receive bad news.

I just wish people could understand how hard this is for my husband and I. No one knows what we are going through unless they have actually been in our shoes. I don’t think anyone understands the pain of having to tell your husband several times that you’re not pregnant. Then to see the sadness in his eyes, it just breaks my heart into a million pieces. I cannot help but to feel like I've let him down.

When you’re diagnosed with infertility you grieve. Some people don’t understand this but you grieve the fact that you may never have children. My whole life I envisioned being a mommy. When I met Tyler I just knew he would be the perfect husband and father. We would always talk about having children. Any future plans we made we would always think of the possibility of having little ones around and what would be the best for them. When I found out that getting pregnant would not be easy for us and there was a possibility I would never experience pregnancy… I grieved as if I lost someone or something. Even though it wasn’t an actual person I lost, I still grieved.

My husband has been extremely supportive and so strong through this whole process but I know it’s hurting him just as much as it does me. He just amazes me and is the reason I keep going. I asked my husband if I could use his phone a couple days ago and I saw a text conversation between him and my mother in law. They were asking each other what they wanted for Christmas. Tyler told her what he really wanted for Christmas was a young’n. It breaks my heart to know that there is a possibility we may never have a child combined of our DNA.

I have been having an extremely hard time this past week. I really thought IVF would work for us... knowing it didn’t just about kills me.

What Not To Say

Please don't be offended by this post. It isn't based on anyone in particular. These are just some things people tell me and I needed to get the frustration off my chest.

:Stepping On My Soap Box:

Sometimes I'm floored on some of the comments people say to me. Whether they mean it in a sincere way or their being insensitive, some things just shouldn't be said. In example, here are some things that you shouldn't say to an infertile woman.

1) Stop telling me I'm too stressed and that is why I can't get pregnant. That is not the case at all. Yes, I do get stressed at times but I know how to control my emotions and stress has not created my infertility.

2) Stop telling me we are "trying too hard". This one cracks me up. There is no such thing as trying to hard. It's simple science.... all it takes is one egg and one sperm.

3) Stop telling me to take a break. A break is not going to help. I have a infertility problem and the only way I can get pregnant is through the assistance of ART, assisted reproductive technology. A break is useless.

4) Stop telling me I'm too young and I have plenty of time to become a mother. When people tell me this I want to knock them out. There is no age limit of when you should become a mother. It's now or never for me.

5) Stop telling me I shouldn't try so hard for children when there are so many children in the world I could adopt. It's not unnatural to want my own children. Would you tell a fertile woman she was selfish for having her own children? No, I don't think so. Also to clear things up I'm not against adoption. My youngest sister is adopted and it influenced Ty and I to adopt as well. Before we were even diagnosed with infertility adoption was always something we planned on doing. But just because I'm infertile does not mean it's my responsibility to adopt all the children in the world. Before you criticize me, get your facts right!

:Stepping Off My Soapbox: